When Moths Attack

Hello, my name is Hayley and today my life hit an all time low.

I suppose you’re wondering what I mean, whether I’m just being melodramatic and if something serious actually occurred. Well, not really… but today I realised that, aged 23 knocking on 24’s door, living in my own flat and having a real life grown up job (just about) I still scream out loud and hide my face like a child seeing a clown for the first time, every single time I see a moth.

Now, my all consuming and unfathomable phobia of the fury villains of the night has been something I have had to suffer for many a year, but this specific tale of woe started a few weeks back. After having a “nothing to report” couple of days in sunny Wales I arrived back at my flat with my younger brother in tow. We were having a nice relaxing evening when a flying creature from the pit of hell (a moth smaller than the nail on my little toe) started flying arrogantly towards my face as I was sat on my sofa. Of course I dealt with the matter swiftly and in a manner that any sensible adult would; almost pouring my hot cup of coffee over my bare legs and hiding my face behind a cushion whilst asking my brother of 15 to do something about this terrifying situation. For the record, this is probably not the best way to solve such an issue of impending doom!

After regaining my composure and realising that the moth had smugly found a home on the wall to the side of me I slowly picked up a cushion and started to move it toward the horrendous creature, slowing my hand further as I got closer, just in case he figured out what was about to happen and escaped like Houdini but with a desperate flap of those disgusting wings! AHA! I had got it, the moth was now nothing more than a poof of powdery brown goo on my cushion and also on my wall… lovely! (note to self, cushion must now be immediately put into washing machine)

Feeling slightly like a murderer I convinced myself that my actions were justified as it was, after all, a creature from the depths of all evil and had no place in the world, especially not when that world consisted of the four walls of my wonderful flat which, up until this point had been flying vermin free!

The ordeal was over and I once again settled on my sofa, trying not to think about the event as it was close to bed time and my brain is a hub of overactive imagination at the best of times. However my trauma was not over, not even ten minutes later another moth, just as arrogant and sauntering as my previous attacker mysteriously appeared in my living room and at once made a b-line for my face. OH CHRIST! I had killed the mafia boss of Moths and now his crony was after me to seek revenge. I looked around feverishly for the now penned “death cushion” that had seen the last seconds of the previous winged beasts life and slowly tiptoed across the room. I waited, anxious and cold for the new addition to my living room to find a place to have a rest and when it did BOOM. Death cushion was in place and said moth was no more! Victory was mine and there was nothing they could do about it! Feeling extremely proud of myself I returned to the sofa and resumed previous activities. Reliving the story of my pure heroism with my little brother (also scared but not quite terrified of said creatures from hell)

Now, you might think that this is the end of my ordeal but no. No, no no! For several weeks after this incident more and more of the little critters have been making an appearance around my flat, death cushion has always taken their lives before they were able to attack but the event came to ahead just a few days ago.

I had been sat happily in bed, reading a new book that I had been extremely excited to start reading when not one but two of the egotistical little beasts decided they would once again make a play to destroy me by flying at my face. I am not proud to admit that I once again screamed like a small child and flung myself out of the bed and into the living room in a flash so fast I was almost impressed; had it not been for the return of impending danger I would have taken the time to congratulate myself on my swiftness, I’d have to save that for a later moment.

Having assessed the situation and planned a method of winning the battle I grabbed a hold of my trusty death pillow and, tiptoeing once again, went in for the kill. First one, down, dead! Winner. Then the other, in a swift motion fuelled by pure terror I had eradicated my attackers and gingerly got back into bed only to be haunted by moths throughout the night.

You will be pleased to know that since this horrendous and spine chilling ordeal I have invested in some aptly and somewhat unimaginative named “moth killer strips”, though granted they seem a little flimsy next to the sheer determination of the winged beasts to disturb my otherwise peaceful existence. Hopefully I have eradicated the remaining creatures with a combination of rigorous cleaning, rearranging and a few more hours than I’d like to admit of vacuuming and sweeping every nook and cranny of my humble abode. Alas, I feel I have done all that I can, short of moving out and letting them win the war (something that could never realistically happen for more reasons than pure stubbornness) and so ends my tale of horror and woe, and let this be a warning to all those who live in fear of suffering the same ordeal as myself. Remember, eventually you have to win, if not find a corner and sit down, back against the wall. Begin to rock slowly side to side, you may also find that sobbing quietly to yourself whilst darting your eyes around the room at intervals may somehow seem to help the situation. Good luck to all!