Picture the scene, a warm sunny day in Stratford; birth place of the one and only William Shakespeare. It just so happens that we’ve made our way here, purely coincidentally on Shakespeare’s birthday (23rd April for those of you who live in a cave) not that you would be able to tell. There are no celebrations, no balloons or anything else to symbolise the day, I later find out from a friend who lives in Stratford that they are postponing the celebrations until next weekend, the weekend that just so happens to be the royal wedding… competition?
As I looked around the scene in my brand new sunglasses (somewhat of a novelty that much to the distress of my work friends I haven’t stopped talking about for weeks) it’s the usual postcard shot of a day in England when the sun decides to come out. Men automatically rip off their shirts and wear their shorts as low as possible whilst sauntering around in flip flops and giving in to the sudden urge to play Frisbee. It doesn’t matter if there is quite a cold breeze rippling through the trees, the sun is out! We British are very good at making the most of even the slightest opportunities!
My brother decides he really wants to go on a rowing boat in the wonderful murky waters of the river avon. Why not! I hear you cry, rowing isn’t difficult and look at all of those people currently rowing so easily up and down the river; this will be a great way to spend a relaxing afternoon. So there we were waiting for our turn on the rowing boat, as the queue got smaller I began to doubt myself on my abilities to row a boat. I had been quite good at kayaking that one time…. This is basically the same right? After handing over £7 to a guy who looked like he’d turned the wrong way on a Newquay beach and lost his surf board, said man helped us very gingerly into the boat. I grabbed hold of the two rather heavy and long oars and was told to be on my way. Excitedly I put them into the water, drawing them backwards before bringing them back out of the water to repeat the motion. This is brilliant! So easy! I don’t know why I doubted myself. It was only after a few attempts at this that I realised we were in fact still exactly where we started. Oh crikey! I don’t think I can row a boat and now there are several dozen people watching our progress as they sit in the sun waiting for their turn.
Putting on a brave face and flashing a fabulous smile to the newly formed crowd I tried again, my brother looking slightly worried I realised we were moving, I was so proud of myself! I looked around slowly at the ducks and swans swimming so peacefully past us and all was swell. Suddenly I was brought back to reality by my brother yelling “Hayley! Were about to hit a swan!”… What? Oh, yeah I knew that, I’m completely in control of the situation… as I surveyed my surroundings I realised perhaps I wasn’t so good at this. Yes indeed I had managed to manoeuvre the boat away from our starting point, however, whereas in my head we were at least a good stride away from the embankment we were in fact no more than a few meters to the left… in the shrubbery and disturbing a rather annoyed swan as it tried to go about its day in peace. Crap. At this stage we had several very helpful, if slightly annoying characters on the grass shouting out handy tips to get us out of this rather sorrowful situation. Gee thanks guys but all of you watching me is not helping me to concentrate! As I regained what little composure I had left I tried to work out the mechanics of rowing this chunk of wood away from said swan and the shrubbery the boat seemed to be so fond of. After several pitiless attempts I realised I was rather good at turning the boat. Great, so now we could go around in circles, perhaps if I did it fast enough I would start a whirlpool and really get the party started.
Realising my feeble attempts were getting us no closer to the safety of oncoming large canal barges I decided to hand over the controls of one ore to my little brother. Luckily after what felt like 2 hours but was actually perhaps a few minutes we were out of the shrubs and rowing into an oncoming boat. As I brushed my hair out of my eyes and checked that my sunglasses were still covering my face I took one last glance towards the audience that had got some light entertainment they weren’t expecting. There was a ripple of applause as one man cheered at my now entirely embarrassing ordeal and we swiftly rowed away, very inelegantly and hid around the corner from the now avid crowd of onlookers!
Deciding it would perhaps be best if we swapped positions and my little brother rowed the boat for the time we had left we tried to choreograph a wonderful and extra specially smooth change of seats. However, once again this didn’t go to plan and as the boat rocked violently from side to side I decided the best course of action was to man up and row the beast! This plan seemed to work for all of ten minutes before we were once again embedded in some shrubbery. I had got a little too over excited with the prospect of looking like a professional rower to passers by further down the river and hadn’t realised I was rowing us directly into the brick wall that made up the bank outside the RSC. To make matters worse, a handful of school friends who I had bumped into earlier after not seeing them for years chose this exact moment to peep their heads over the side of the wall to see what the small gathering of tourists were looking at. “Hi Hayley! Looking good” came the call from above us. Oh marvellous, now everyone knew my name! I smiled and waved as if I hadn’t a care in the world before going back to rowing in circles. After realising this was once again a fruitless act I looked around for another option. “Stick your ore on the wall and push!” came the helpful response of one of my friends, and so I did… once again we were off and heading towards the patch of grass where we had left from. As we came around the corner there was once again a slight “WOO” from the crowd. Thank you very much but I will not be stopping for a chat, I do not wish for you to remember my face as I am far too embarrassed to look at you!
Heading in the general direction of the embankment and after several haphazardly movements of the ores we were parked and ready to exit sharpish. After a not so elegant exit from my rather tall brother who more or less belly flopped onto the side of the grass, I decided to try an attempt at dignity one final time. I failed. Miserably. As I stepped onto the grass I lost my footing and was grabbed by the rather attractive looking surfer as mentioned earlier who pulled me to his side as I sheepishly said thanks and slunk away as fast as possible without running.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for trying everything once, not saying no and going for gold but note to self: if you know you probably won’t be able to do something and there are several 100 people in the close vicinity, you probably shouldn’t do it! Well not unless you want a standing ovation for closely avoiding a bite from a swan and a trip home covered in murky river water anyway!
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